If you have lost your mom please feel the warmth of my hug.
It is only understood when it happens to you .
It’s like getting hit by a bus and still having all your memories & even though you’re disabled you have to go on.
It never goes away. My mom died in her sleep. No warning. No illness.
Getting that phone call is like drowning slowly.
My own daughter said to me when are you going to get over this.
I wanted to die that second ~ and she will see someday how long it takes. It takes forever .
You wonder if you did enough, I knew she knew how much I loved her.
I didn’t go to the funeral. I stayed home with my 3 year old nephew.
Because I knew that’s where she would be. My memories will never be of her in a casket it will be together laughing.
I cried last night 4 hours. Our dad died a few years before but we were able to say goodbye.
You would think you & your siblings would get closer. But it’s not true.
As the oldest of 4 sisters I feel broken .
We have never spoke about it. If it weren’t for my young nephew they wouldn’t talk at all.
Try to mend this if you can.
But after all this time I still try and I am still in the closet alone.
All I do is think about dying now.
I sleep with clothes on in case I die in my sleep. I make sure my house is clean.
I imagine my sisters & daughters going through my clothes and jewelry .. That won’t be pretty.
I keep no journals. My mom left many and they didn’t help.
I imagine her waiting in the church for me like in Lost. And I can’t wait to get there.
Yes, I see a therapist. He makes it better for awhile.
But be empathetic to friends this has happened too.
I have gone back and apologized to people. I got it.
But you can never be prepared for it.
The only person who ever prayed for you is gone.
So make use of these moments. Visit, hug, talk & love.
Because those memories sustain you.
Your life will never be the same.
You will be damaged forever. Your heart will be broken open.
But if you know you tried to be there for her. The regrets will be small ‘
& life goes on.
I don’t know how …but it does.🌷